A Concert for Finland - June 19th

Expanding on their trend of local philanthropic performances, aged and confused Alameda cover band Old Coal will be playing an international benefit show to aid the country of Finland on June 19^th at John Patrick’s in Alameda. The show will feature karaoke as well as a Q&A session with Finnish defectors, Ian and Izumi Kennedy, who will detail the struggles of living in the Scandinavian country that ABBA is not from. While a benefit for a country with the 34^th highest GDP in the world may seem odd to most, Old Coal is concerned about the stranglehold Mobility giant Nokia has on the Finnish public and has seen the pain through the eyes of Kennedy, who endured a brief and forgettable stint as the band’s drummer in 2009. Says singer Neil Jessrobin, “when Ian showed us pictures of kids talking into shoe boxes covered in tin foil, on these so-called phones with Baltic herring used as antennae, I broke down in tears. In the world of the iPhone, the global symbol of freedom and happiness, this cannot happen.” Jessrobin, who has long studied Finland at the University of Wikipedia, continued “we’re only 24 years removed from the Japanese colonization of Finland and it’s been only 18 years since Kyostie Karetie’s groundbreaking parka-less performance shattered the world of bland family entertainment on the Kimo Toskala Variety Show . There is still hope for a Smartphone revolution for these peace-loving, fish-eating neighbors to the North”. Adds bassist Pete Spag, “Finland can be the next Minnesota if we can just raise awareness. If we can get one Finnish teenager to text while driving, just so we can later tell them not to, this show will be worth it.” This will be a free show starting at approximately 9:00pm.

HFR Show - MayDay!!

http://www.oldcoal.com Old Coal has laid to rest breakup rumors by announcing a new show for Saturday May 1st at JohnPatrick's in Alameda. Drummer Hood, with his February Rehab behind him, says that the Alameda band has reset its focus: "when you have been together as long as we have - a whole year, the grind of conveniently scheduled and located practices, combined with the stresses of playing marginally enjoyable music for an audience with liberal standards can get tough. We want to have fun again. This is our Have Fun Reunion show. The HFR show." Guitarist Jeremiah Jipe added, "When we decided to do this HFR show, I knew it had to be JohnPatricks. Its association with HFRs is deeply cemented in my heart. When I think of the legends that have performed there - Danny Ballz, Fat Pete, Tree Lady - the STDs that have been shared and the porn that has been earnestly won... it calls to me like Jesus herself." Manager Foxy Inge K confirmed that this will be a free show. "Please people, spend the money on drinks not tickets. And maybe some sanitary toilet seat covers. It's about Fun and avoiding chlamidya. There is no opening act per se, though entertainment is never in short supply at JPs. You may even be treated to some of the saltiest karaoke tunes ever heard on the Island."

Guitarists Injured in Down Lo Melee

Those headed to the Down Lo pub on Saturday night got an Old Coal show afterall. And probably some bruises. An altercation broke out at the club when Coal members Jipe and Spag came to the club to greet disappointed fans but refused requests to take the stage. Accompanied by their wives and a posse one onlooker described as casually menacing, Jipe and Spag signed an autograph, ordered a drink and were near immediately spun like rag dolls to the floor to chants of, 'Play Jenny'. Stella Meniketti-Jipe, wife of the lead guitarist, was heard pleading, "Don't hurt his hands" as her husband was thrown into the bar's glass door enterance while Dot Spag was escorted to safety by bar manager Susan Reed as her bassist-husband was assaulted with a Shake Weight.
The melee spilled on to Main St. where mobs had gathered for a Playboy/UFC event nearby. The militant faction of Old Coal followers from nearby Quincy who call themselves 'The Black Lung' and are believed to have started the incident were no match for the awaiting boob-frenzied testosterone outside and were dealt with effortlessly. Head of Old Coal Security, Sgt. Tom Dirtywaders, said Spag suffered hurt feelings and unrelated chafing while Jipe had facial lacerations and diarreah. Donations toward medical treatment or music lessons are being accepted by texting "JIPE" to 8675309.

Old Coal Cancels Central Valley Tour

http://www.oldcoal.com
Old Coal has canceled their one-date Central Valley tour only days before it kicks off and ends in Chico this Saturday. This move, equally stunning and controversial, is again fueling speculation that the band's future is in doubt. A visibly shaken Hood, drummer for the aging cover band, responded to the news lashing out, "Its worse than a strain". When asked if he was referring to band relations, he added, "I've been through Rehab before and know what to expect. It's gonna be rough".

Singer Neil Jessrobin said that the band is disappointed with the tour cancellation but concedes that Hood needs to address his situation. "The decision to stop the tour was a no-brainer. When nerves get frayed, hospitalization is necessary. Hood needs to do this for his family. Plus, Chico isn't a big college town anyway. We'll be motorin' again soon".

When asked whether the band will perform together again, bassist Spag gave an ominous, bleak two word statement of distress, "Mayday".

Manager Foxy Inge K could not be reached for comment, stating only that she wasn't "a morning person".

Old Coal To Play Chico - Feb 27

http://www.oldcoal.com
Old Coal is set to embark on their longest tour ever with a one-date stop in Chico, CA at the famed Down Lo Pub. Drummer Hood commented on the band’s decision to tour, “The Central Valley Tour is the perfect length for a band of our stature. It’s really all we can handle at this point.” TMZ reported that promoter Foxy Inge K had successfully negotiated dates at the Olive Tree in Corning, Bill & Kathy’s in Dunnegin and Granzella’s in Williams, but these shows were promptly cancelled due to security concerns and less than stellar crop harvests. “Olives, Almonds… it all went to shit because of El Fucking Nino or something,” said Foxy. “I can’t send my boys in those kind of conditions.”

Still, Old Coal will be playing an extended set at the Down Lo in Chico on Saturday, Feb 27 at 9pm. Jipe is calling it a long awaited Odyssey fulfilled and singer Neil Jessrobin views it as a long time dream come true. “To go on the road and bring our love of 80s covers and Mr. Diamond to the Central Valley, especially Chico, an established college town heralded for excess drinking, it brings tears, really. Everytime I see Lou Diamond Phillips board that plane in La Bamba, I think, 'that could be me!'. Except the crashing part. That would be bad."

Anyone interested in joining the OldCoal I-5 caravan, contact Foxy.

Break Up Rumors Untrue

http://www.oldcoal.com

Rumors of an Old Coal break-up are greatly exaggerated says a spokeswoman for Alameda's greatest Cover Band of Cover Bands.

Collaborator and promoter Foxy Inge K stated that the band is very much looking forward to the Edison Fundraiser at the Bladium on January 16th despite recent separations.

The break-up rumors were fueled by singer Neil Jessrobin's marathon tour of the Southeastern Karaoke circuit, drummer Hood's disappearance and guitar tandem Jipe and Spag's recent associations with French Metal Spiritualist, Yogi Pouche-du-Lapin (pictured).

Foxy clarified that Hood is recovering from cranial tatoo removal surgery and that Jessrobin simply has been scratching a singing itch during extended business trips. Asked about the influence of Pouche-du-Lapin, Foxy said, "God knows what those freaks are up to but the naked guy is creepy and not allowed near my house". Foxy added, "you would think that with the Holidays, people would be taking interest in more important matters like family, Tiger Woods and Stella-and-Dot Jewelry - not a friggin' Dad Band going through a phase."

Old Coal Raising Clams for Kids

The Old Coal, Old Stock, Telepathic Slip "Rooster" Tour raised over $700 for Alameda "Music in Schools" Programs. Doing what we can to ensure that your kids can play Neil Diamond songs for drunk, dancing friends in 20 years. Or 30. Possibly 40. But with talent.